inactive-roam writes: I feel bad for my mom, so I need confirmation if what I did was wrong. My parents are very old school. We were never allowed to have boyfriends. When we turned 25/26, they would find a guy for us (arranged marriage). My dad's a calm person; he at least listens to us. But my mom feels the need to control everything. She believes that whatever her dream was when she was a girl is our dream too and refuses to believe that we can have other dreams and may not like her idea of a happy life. I understand that she's doing this for us, but there's a point when we can't be controlled. My sister and I have boyfriends, but we never told our parents. My sister is 26 now, and my parents found a guy and asked her to meet his family and the guy yesterday. We always felt like our mom is emotionally immature. She forced her to meet the guy and talk to him. The last time my sister refused to meet with a guy my mom found, we got the silent treatment for days until my sister agreed to meet the guy. (Yes, me too, because apparently, I failed to convince my sister, so it's my fault.) My sister broke down and finally told them about her boyfriend. That was a disaster. My mom cried. She cries a lot in front of us. Then she asked why my sister didn't tell her about this before, and we said that we never felt safe telling her. We have tried, and all we get is "No, I don't like boyfriends; that's not acceptable." And I don't know where my parents have been living all this time; they refused to believe it. They said, "I've always asked you to tell me if you have a boyfriend." They never did! The conversation about boyfriends always ended with "boyfriend is not allowed," and after all the conversation about not feeling safe, she said, her words, "If you knew I don't like you guys making boyfriends, why did you?"AITA for telling my mom she failed as a mother?
A minute ago, she was saying the environment was completely safe for us to share everything. Then she said that she had failed as a mother (this is the third time she told me this, and every time it involved us not wanting to meet a guy for marriage). Then I said that if she feels like she failed as a mother, she should study and work hard to pass that.
And it's not our responsibility to teach her how to be a good mother. I feel like that is messed up. She's the mother here. When I said to study and pass and stop blaming the exam for failing, she said, "NO."
She cried and blamed us for being bad children yesterday. We aren't perfect daughters, but we can't just go and get married whenever she feels like it's time for us to marry a guy who's 4 years older than us. Then she went on about how hard it was to raise us, what she did for us, and now we gave her this.
We never said she did nothing for us; all we said was "we didn't feel safe telling them about our boyfriends." That's all we said. We made this clear yesterday, but she started crying hysterically and even spat with disgust because we are bad children.
I feel bad for her. She has no one. My mom and dad also had an arranged marriage. They have more of a partnership than a marriage. My dad never shows love or affection to her. When she cries, he leaves her alone, and yesterday too, he left her crying and went to sleep.
She has no one to talk to or console her. But I can't stand her actions either. I'm against it. I don't know what to do about this. I don't think this is fair, but I feel bad for her too.
Here are the top comments:
Divine_Dannie says:
It's tough to see your mom upset, but you're not responsible for her happiness or her mistakes. It's good to be respectful, but you also need to set boundaries and be honest about how you feel. Talking openly about everything might help clear the air.
Cybermagetx says:
Man I would of gone NC with them years ago. Y'all two are saints (or what ever you wanna be called) for dealing with that cr%p for your entire life. NTA.
Magdovus says:
She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants. You can try to be nice about it. I'd recommend being direct instead. If you don't, she is unlikely to take you seriously. Direct doesn't mean unpleasant but it does mean no extra bits like "I don't want to upset you" to save her feelings.
I would repeat the fact that you will not be following her wishes for an arranged marriage. Don't give her chance to argue until you're finished. Until she actively acknowledges what you are telling her I would assume that she isn't listening to you. What was your dad's reaction to you guys declining the arrangement?
Open-Incident-3601 says:
NTA. Tell her flat out that the example of arranged marriage that she and your father have set looks incredibly lonely and miserable to you.
What do you think?
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